Small. Fluffy. Blonde. Pink collar. Chief Household Observer.
Documenting the behavioral collapse of the tall one while the smart ones are in Malta.
📅 Saturday, March 28
🤨
2:15 PM — The Departure
The small human and the lady just left with suitcases. The tall one waved from the door. Then he stood there for a full minute staring at nothing. This is either going to be very good or very bad for me.
🥳
2:18 PM — Three Minutes Later
He just said "Bubbles, we can do whatever we want" in a voice I've never heard before. He then immediately opened DoorDash. We both know this is not what the lady meant by "take care of things."
😐
3:30 PM
He's been on the couch for an hour. No one has asked him to do a single thing. I can see in his eyes that he doesn't know what to do with this information. He has opened and closed the refrigerator four times.
🌊
4:45 PM — Crab Cove Walk
WALK! A real walk! Not the "quick around the block because I have a call in 10" walk. The FULL Crab Cove circuit. He let me off leash near the water. Don't tell the lady about the off-leash part.
🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾 Five paws. Perfect walk.
😰
6:00 PM — The Food Incident
He tried to find my food. Opened every cabinet. The cereal cabinet. The cleaning cabinet. The one with the small human's art supplies. My food is in the pantry, bottom shelf, pink bag where it has been for my entire life. He texted the lady. I could hear the period at the end of "Kevin." through the phone.
😌
7:30 PM — Movie Night
He put on an action movie. Volume at a level the lady would never allow. I'm on the couch. Not just on the couch. In the middle of the couch. On the good pillow. No one said "Bubbles, down." This is my couch now.
🫠
10:00 PM
Second movie. He's eating the small human's animal crackers from the pantry. He's sitting in the dark. The lady sent a photo of the small one smiling in an airport. He looked at it for a long time and said "Bubbles, you're my best friend" which is objectively true but also he's clearly losing it a little.
💤
11:45 PM
Third movie. He's horizontal. I have claimed 60% of the bed despite being 8 pounds. This is proportional and fair. The house is very quiet. I kind of miss the small one too. She drops more food.
📅 Sunday, March 29
☀️
7:30 AM — Morning Walk
Morning walk! He's in a good mood. We passed another man walking a golden retriever. They did The Nod. I don't know what The Nod means but both men seemed to gain strength from it.
🍳
8:30 AM — Breakfast Attempt
He tried to make eggs. The first one went on the floor. I got the first one. He does not know where the lady keeps the spatula. He used a fork. The eggs look like a crime scene but he seems proud. He took a photo. I hope he's not sending that to anyone.
📱
10:00 AM — The Lady Checks In
The lady FaceTimed. He panicked and did a speed-clean of everything in camera range. I watched him shove dishes behind the microwave. She asked "how's the house?" and he said "great, super clean" while standing in front of a pile of laundry that is technically behind him and therefore does not exist.
📞
11:30 AM
He called his parents. His mom answered on the first ring and said "Kevin! You never call!" (He called 12 days ago.) His dad asked about the small human. They talked for 30 minutes. He seemed lighter after. Humans need their pack too.
🧹
2:00 PM — The Cleaning
Something shifted. He started actually cleaning. Dishes (by hand because he's scared of the dishwasher detergent situation). Laundry (he separated the colors!). Vacuumed. He texted the lady a photo. She replied: "Who are you and what have you done with Kevin." I think this is good?
🐾🐾🐾🐾 Four paws. Genuinely impressed.
💻
3:30 PM — Deep Work
He sat at the computer and did the typing thing for two hours straight. No calls. No interruptions. Just him and the screen. I slept on his feet the whole time. This is our arrangement and it works.
🗑️
8:00 PM — TRASH BIN CRISIS
He almost forgot the trash bins. Almost! His phone buzzed with a reminder (the robot lady he talks to, I think) and he shot up from the couch like the house was on fire. Bins are out. Monday pickup secured. The lady will never know how close it was. I will never tell.
❤️
9:30 PM — Sunday Night
He's watching something on TV. The house is clean (for now). The bins are out. The lady sent a video of the small one jumping off rocks into blue water. He watched it three times. Then he looked at me and said "One more day, Bubbles. We did it." We? I carried this team.
📊 Weekend Performance Review
7
Fridge Opens (no purpose)
3
Texts to "The Lady"
1
Egg on Floor (mine)
4
Movies Watched
2
Walks (real ones)
1
Cleaning Montage
0
Fires (somehow)
∞
Treats Deserved
Final Verdict: The tall one survived. The house is standing. The bins went out. He only texted the lady about the food location once. By the standards of solo weekends, this is a resounding success. I'm giving him 4 out of 5 paws overall. The missing paw is for the animal crackers. Those were not his.